I feel aggressive and I like it. There is no doubt that underneath it all, I am light, love and the queen of compassion but I gotta say I like my edge, my bitch that also wants the the throne. Light and love make me want to vomit when I can’t feel the ground in which it thrives from. Don’t ignore yourself. Don’t ignore the world. True compassion comes from knowing yourself deeply and really loving… which means loving the shit you pretend is not you or wish wasn’t.
I’m laughing and not meaning to insult at the same time. I have encountered a huge amount of new agey love in California and trust me there is depth and reality to it all AND seriously, mix in the earth and the mud and the worms… then and only then do you have the beauty that this world really fucking is. “Don’t pretend yourself beyond your evolution” -Byron Katie. Do you really want to spend your life running away from yourself?
I’m realizing more and more that my message is messy, gritty and full of phenomenal, impactful love. Truly my gift is compassion. And my message is, ‘fuck it…. be fully fucking you without shame and apologies’. Get over the idealistic crap and own it. Stand in the power of your imperfections and we will free the whole world from running away from themselves.
Thank you to those of you out there doing this… we need more of you. I’m tired of seeing the false egos puffing up to show you how perfect they are and perfect you can be if you follow them. I did this too and haven’t been able to step back into my blog or business in over a year because of it. I have felt such disdain for the internet marketing world because I AM behind the scenes of it and sorry… because now I have to talk about people I actually truly love…. it’s not pretty back here. I have not found congruence between the online messages and the real people… very little anyway. I get it. There are ways that people are sold. People are sold by creating the tension between where they are and where they want to be. Give them hope that you have the solution… standing there in your light and power… and sold they are. It’s gross. Sorry, but it is.
I’ve heard all the arguments for it and the success stories. There is a shadow here I’m sure I’m still not able to see of my own because it still triggers me. I’m not saying people aren’t successful at losing weight, making money, being happier human beings… but what are they not telling you? That’s what I’m interested in. Let’s just get real. That’s all I ask for. It’s so damn appropriate that the first thing I launched was my Make it Real Make it Raw Detox Blast. Still to this day… Real and Raw are two of my favorite words… Radiant is the other, oh and Evolution of course. Maybe I’ll add Naked to that list. Yep, get naked people. Your bodies are sexy. Real, Raw, Naked, Radiant Evolution. You with me? It get’s smelly and messy in here, but ultimately it’s ecstasy.
I am, you are, Concentric Balance is as well. I just had the thought this morning that my life looks NOTHING like it did a year ago. That doesn’t happen every year. Last year I was living on the east coast in my own house on 45 acres… this year I’m living on the west coast renting an apartment. Last year I was working really hard on my business…. this year I’m building community. Last year I had a partner… this year I have roommates. Last year I was clear about what I was doing… this year I’m clear about who I am being. Last year I was settled… this year I my stuff is spread coast to coast and in between. At this time last year… I never would have guessed.
My life now… amazing. I always knew there was more…. more connection, more community, more collaboration. The life I was living before never felt big enough for me. I knew there were others that felt the same and that things were happening. I knew I wanted to be a part of it. The tribe is gathering worldwide to bring in a new way of life and of connecting to each other and to source.
I am not alone in massive shifts and evolution in the last year especially. I find common stories all around me everywhere I go. This time is different. There is a level of consciousness happening with all of the deconstructing of life as we know it. There is increased trust, intuition and knowing so it makes the difficult human stuff that comes up through this kind of transition bearable. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you probably aren’t even reading this… but if you are, just tune in… watch, listen, feel, because no doubt there is something happening for you too.
Life is about feeling the depth of human experience through the full spectrum of emotion, connected and supported by the expansion and love of the entire cosmos. Connected, anything is possible and anything is bearable. To realize our spaciousness, our light… that which we truly are… Did I just profess the meaning of life?
Last year I had a mantra… created out of necessity to make it through my deconstruction.
LET GO, SURRENDER, TRUST
I must have tuned into that a hundred times a day. I had no idea where I was going. I had some idea of why I was letting everything go but even so, I believe there are deeper reasons than what I was aware of at the time or even know now for that matter.
Getting to where I’m at was definitely a birth canal. I went through it consciously… knowing it would be challenging but knowing and trusting what I was creating in my life by making the choice to do it. I encourage all of you to make that leap… that call that thing that you just know and yet can avoid for some illusion of comfort and safety. Is it your time to let go, surrender and trust?
So, I told you my mantra of the year which, like I said, I created as an aftermath to get through… but my word of the year… what I started with… RADIANCE. Living radiantly has been my passion and my message for a long time. What I didn’t know was that I was going to be taking it to a whole new level by being as challenged as I was. That is what a word of the year really will inspire… mastery. So did I live radiantly through deconstruction? It depends on what your definitions of doing so would be. Nope, I didn’t eat and exercise amazingly through it. What I did do however was love myself through it all. That is where true radiance comes from.
Now what? Who knows really. It’s an evolution. I’m living day by day and watching how things unfold. It became very clear to me through my process last year that I was living my life with a lot of masculine energy which is what our society really values and what is very normal for how we function in life. I’m fully swinging into the other direction to swim in the feminine waters for a while and see how that feels. I learned how to let go quite well last year and this year my word is RECEIVE with my new mantra…
RELAX, RECEIVE, LOVE
And with that, I am living my somewhat integrated life, sharing my journey and walking on the path with you. I’m turning Concentric Balance over for now… to what feels right now. Radiant Evolution is about imperfect integration. Loving ourselves through our own evolution, full spectrum radiance through the self-care, spirituality, community, creativity, movement, nutrition, mama earth, bodywork and love. What happens here… will not stay here. We are the ripple of transformation for the world right now.
What time is it for you? Is it your time to let go surrender and trust… relax, receive and love… or something else? What do you profess is the meaning of life? Please let me know… we are in it together. I love you.
In tribute to the old… this is Concentric Balance as we have known it. More changes to come as we evolve.
I’ve written 100 blog posts in my head over the last two months and none of them have made it here (I haven’t even written about Burning Man!). So there is a lot coming but for now… pieces of them all will tie together here.
Four months ago I made the choice to completely deconstruct my life. It was a roller-coaster. I found myself drawn to explore both the highs of spiritual connection and the highs (and lows) of addictive destruction. I was drawn to doing intense work with the shadows (parts of ourselves and others we judge to be unacceptable and/or repress and deny that we have possess those qualities). In doing so, judgments fall away and in their place love and compassion arise, which sounds all yummy and juicy…
But what’s better than that? Loving my badass self. Seriously. I’m not a saint or spiritually evolved beyond my shadow. I love the truth, but I don’t always tell the truth. I’m naturally compassionate but I can be intolerant, I can serve but I’m far from selfless, I’m passionate about health but don’t always take care of myself. I’m at home in sacred space and I like to let go, dance to house music and play.
I recently met someone who I could consider to be my shadow (or badass) embodied. Unapologetically. He had no filter on what came out of his mouth which could mostly be considered completely inappropriate; sexually, politically, spiritually, environmentally and otherwise. I met this person with no judgment (in fact with curiosity)…. which to me, is freedom. Freedom to play with the paradox and truth of oneness that we all are. Inclusive of the opposite of what you think is you… because is that true? What are you denying as you?
Spiritual conscious types tend to be really hard on themselves about their badass selves. This summer a friend of mine said, “I only want to be seen as loving and kind”. To which I say, fuck that. We are more than that as human beings and there is a price tag to denying that. For this particular friend, the price tag was substance abuse.
Owning our shadows is powerful. Everyone we meet can be a gift. Every experience. Every choice we make. We are constantly looking in the mirror of our universe. How we see that reflection is our choice. Do you judge your badass self… or do you choose freedom?
Freedom to be all that we are, unapologetically. But true freedom also means accepting the other as they are.
No judgment = freedom.
Be grateful for what you manifest.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Life is but a dream, sweetheart. Live. Play. Love.
Love your badass self.
It’s my birthday today (36!) and the 1 year anniversary of launching my website…. which I can’t believe was only a year ago! So much has happened this year that it blows my mind. My entire life has changed this year, many times in many ways. It has been wickedly challenging and amazingly beautiful.
I worked really hard on my business this year… too hard.
The paradox is that I could judge that as being what was wrong in my life but it has also brought me what is right in my life. Many of my online relationships have turned into in person meetings and deep friendships. I am now creating the community and life that I really want with them. The amount of time I spent online last year created a lifestyle that I have come to realize is not supportive of the day to day life that I am now choosing AND I also can not deny the power of social media and having an online platform for making those deep connections.
That being said, I’m not willing to do it anymore. Not like I did. Not in isolation. Not without putting my life, health and community first. I know without a doubt, the less time I spend on my business the more I actually really have to offer (I might just be harder to find ). This will have to be remedied by more help and more collaboration.
There are so many success principles that are about some level of sacrifice and perseverance. “We entrepreneur’s are willing to spend a few years of our life like most won’t, so that we can spend the rest of our lives like most can’t.” Honestly, I’m not willing to do it like that. Success to me is daily. It is not sacrificing the present for the future. It is living a life connected with what is real and true for you today.
I’m living in an odd universe right now where I am still undergoing deconstruction of my life and what the reconstruction looks like is still unknown. Certainly we always are living in the unknown with the illusion of a plan, and I don’t even have that right now. I suppose if I have a plan, it is a plan to take my brother and my nieces to the airport today where I will say goodbye to them for possibly a year…. I have a plan to go to Ali’s Farm and celebrate my birthday…. I have a plan to go to Burning Man. That’s it.
Reflecting on wins and celebrations this year, I am so grateful. I am grateful that even though it hasn’t always been easy, I see everything that has happened this year as a gift…
- Created Make it Real Make it Raw Detox Blast – A virtual raw food and yoga event with a dear friend Thomas Ratdke. Not only was the event a massive success and total blast… we couldn’t have had more fun doing it (working in partnership and collaboration works REALLY well for me!).
- I also launched the Love Letter to My Body project with the mission of raising awareness toward creating conscious relationships with our amazing temples that give us life. This project I will admit needs lots of promoting (please help – host a Love Letter to My Body party and send in your letters!)
- I worked with an amazing group of women in my Body, Food and Love program during which I had an awakening in my own body.
- I made really hard decisions to end my relationship, sell my land and house… give up the comfort, love, and security I had.
- Went through a very loving break-up in the name of truth so we could each follow our own paths, even though our path together was loving and supportive.
- Discovered intimacy to new depths.
- Speaking my truth, being open, vulnerable, real, raw, compassionate.
- Learning to receive love for who I am… shadows and all.
Intentions for this year…
- Continue to live in truth and follow my heart.
- Begin REconstruction… my life, values, business.
- Make a move based on community and lifestyle.
- Make meals with friends regularly (organic, local, farm fresh whole foods).
- Practice yoga in community regularly (no more isolation!).
- Collaborate and partner in business for fun and exceptional value.
- Work on how I show up for my family (ouch!).
- Community, connection, collaboration, creation, love, passion, intimacy, health, beauty, RADIANCE
Thank you all dearly for sharing this beautiful earth with me, for caring enough to stay tuned in through my massive shifts and for shining your light. The world needs you!
There are different kinds of awakenings people experience… and just to keep it really simple, an awakening is any time you wake up to something true for you. So we have all had awakenings of some kind at some point. I wanted to demystify this term to begin with (maybe because I’m afraid of freaking you out by using the term ).
I will admit, I have prided myself on being relatable, grounded, practical, non woowoo etc. so that I can easily bridge the spiritual world with our day to day realities. Well, lately, I’m not as good at being the bridge. I’m talking energy, shifts, transformations, awakenings and all kinds of stuff that feels like I’m speaking a foreign language to some people. I don’t like that because I do have resistance to being weird… but what the hell, I can’t deny it any longer. There’s a lot I can’t deny any longer.
If I could have brought myself to write, I feel like the last two months could be a book not a blog post… so we’ll see where this goes… I just knew I had to start writing again.
My last blog post was Real and Raw… all the beginnings were bubbling to the surface, yet at that moment, I had no idea what was to come and how fast it would all unfold. That is what happens when truth is recognized and honored. Warp speed.
So let me back up… what the in the *@$& has gone on in the last two months?
I was coaching with some amazing women in my Body, Food and Love program (and to be totally honest, I think I got more out of the program than the ladies in it… you teach what you need to learn right?? So DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!). So 1/2 way through the program I had an awakening… in my body. Unleashed was a deeper connection to my physical body through “source energy/ sexual energy/ creative life force energy” (see, I told you I’m spilling the beans on my alternate language). One of the realizations that I had from this body awakening was how I had shut sexy in the closet over 10 years ago.
There is way more to this story – for another time… but to keep it brief, I stepped out on a limb by teaching an impromptu workshop I called “Bringing Sexy Back” at Eden Unplugged (an unbusiness retreat for evolutionary entrepreneurs). Teaching that taught me 1.) The power of goddess sisterhood 2.) My work needs to have more in person connection. 3.) Every time I evolve, what I teach gets so much juicier.
After returning home, my last blog post (nearly 2 months ago) described how I was questioning if I had my entire life set up was in alignment with what I realized to be true for me.
Matt and I began the conversations.
We decided to sell our beautiful house and our magical land. We decided to walk our own paths, dedicated to what we each are most drawn to and how we each want to express ourselves in the world… separately.
I wasn’t walking away from a life I was unhappy with. I actually had given gratitude every single day for Matt (who is an AMAZING person, my teacher, lover, my solid ground) my house, my land, my life… deep, deep gratitude. What I was doing was giving up all that I loved most in my life. (Do you think I’m crazy yet, because I do ). And what I know was there was truth and clarity in the decision. Yes, I was happy, comfortable, grateful… AND I had ways in which I was not being expressed. Ways that I now can not turn away from.
Community, connection, spirituality, intimacy, feeling the rainbow spectrum of human emotions. I realized I had shut down a lot of feeling in my life for fear of returning to depression. I had maintained a way of being that was… comfortable.
I packed up the car to head to Colorado for the summer. On my way, I went to Espanola, NM to go to the Kundalini Yoga gathering for summer solstice. I had been four times previous and hadn’t been in four years… I arrived feeling really, really raw, crying my way into New Mexico, releasing my losses and feeling the fear of being fully with myself again (and connected to source).
Landing on the sacred grounds was home coming for me. There is much more of a story to tell here too… but in short, I continually got affirmation that my decision was right. I experienced all that I was leaving my life as I knew it for… deep intimacy, community, connection, love, common paths, divinity.
Now, this isn’t a fairy tale… what I have been facing (and still am) is excruciating discomfort, fears, my shadows, and standing in the fire. And what I know to be true… love, compassion, a free and truly open heart are the result of being willing to face and then love all that we deem as “unlovable” in each of us.
New realities are emerging for me. I will take you with me if you are ready for the journey
Sometimes life bubbles up questions that stir the pot in unexpected ways. I knew going to Eden Unplugged was going to be an amazing experience of connecting with a like-minded community and was open to more. What I got was… indescribable agitation that shook me up in good ways and challenging ways AND the most amazing authentic relationships that speak to the CORE that we are in this life TOGETHER.
What shook me up? How I have my life structured right now, my business, my relationships…. is that enough or do you want more?
So, right now… I live on 45 acres in a great little house with my partner. It is 10 miles from town on a windy road meaning 20 minutes drive. My business… working from home, connecting online and over the phone. I travel a lot which gives me bursts of outside connectivity. But generally, my life is set up very isolated.
Now the question is how do I set up my life, business and relationships so that they reflect what I want? What do I need to give up in order to have a life that has community, connection and truth at its core? What do I need to structure and create to support that? Are my partner and I aligned? Do I need to move? Do I need to create something collective on our property? Do I need to do more of my business in person?
Restructuring life can be painful because with each new thing there is something you have to give up. It takes staying in truth to make decisions to change. And support. I am grateful to have coaches, friends and a new community to navigate new territories with!
How about you? Is your life resonating with the core of who you are? Are you at peace in you body? Do you honor your health? Are you happy with the food you eat, the way you look and the people in your life? Do you have the support you need? Can I help you? Contact me for a complimentary stepping powerfully into the life and health you really want strategy call with me!
I stand in truth.
I stand in integrity.
I stand in connection.
I stand in community.
I stand in love.
I stand in witnessing the breakdowns and the build ups.
When you pay attention to your life, magic happens. Really. Shifting your attention, being IN your body, creating space in your mind where previously there were stories… and ahhhh what you tap into… magic.
Are you tuned into where you want to be and tuned out of where you don’t need to be. What is radiantly alive and true for you right now? Can you feel the pulses of your own body, the fluidity of your mind when there is nothing else to be?
Tune in, tap in, connect to what is actually happening now and the bigger picture of your life. What are you powerfully doing to open yourself up to your greatness, your wholeness, your message, your purpose, your miracle existence?
Do you know that you want to… you just don’t know how to tap into it? Are you doubtful that you can, afraid, or just too busy?
The secret is what I’m teaching (or giving experience to) in my Body, Food and Love program. Question your beliefs (self inquiry), create deep awareness of all of your 6 senses (seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, seeing, and intuiting), be very present and notice what is actually happening.
Seriously, I’m not a woowoo person. I am practical. I am experiential. I am a dreamer. I am a creator. I am connected. It is all available all the time for everyone right now.
I’m excited to share with you what my life is telling me… more on this later !
What is your life telling you?
I see a trap for conscious, aware people that I want to blow the whistle on. The notion of “self-sabotage” has come up a few times recently in my Body, Food and Love program. I see it all the time with those of us looking to grow. There is a tendency to look for what is wrong with us and why.
“Self-sabotage” evokes a dark, mysterious, unknown place that is undefinable and therefore it is a force to be reckoned with. We have to create a story around it to understand it and even then it feels hopeless. We are then laden with guilt for “sabotaging” ourselves and suffering because of the story that we created in order to understand why we are doing it to ourselves.
Let’s let go of the whole concept of self-sabotage, okay? This is what I call putting pain and suffering on top of pain and suffering.
Instead come to peace with RESISTANCE. Resistance is a reality. Feelings of resistance are a natural, normal part of life and growing. It is the cycle of expansion and contraction. Our egos don’t like change and put up resistance. This is universal and not personal. Doesn’t that feel better than the deeply personal and judgmental weight that self-sabotage carries?
We all have resistance, although I believe different people have different “set points” to experiencing it. I happen to live with someone who has very little resistance and I happen to have much higher levels of resistance. We can shift our levels of resistance through awareness and practice of creating different mindsets around it.
Say you wake up in the morning and resist getting out of bed, you do it anyway but there is resistance coming in the form of negative thinking (I’m tired, getting up sucks, why do I have to….). Sometimes with the awareness of your negativity, you can just decide to turn positive, grateful, connected… and other times the resistance to changing how you feel comes up, it’s easier to remain grumpy and complain. So how about going into neutral? Staying negative doesn’t serve and just creates a habit of allowing it (on occasion go for it, here are some tips). Sometimes making the leap into the positive feels like too much of a stretch… but neutral is always available to just experience what is. It softens the internal chatter.
Now let’s look at the same situation with the label of self-sabotage. You wake up and don’t want to get out of bed. You have the thought “why do I always sabotage my efforts to live a healthy productive life? I must think I don’t deserve it on some level. It must be because no one in my family ever made it though college. I don’t want to be successful and out shine my family.”
See how much more complicated it just made your life to believe you are sabotaging yourself. Now in addition to feeling tired and resisting getting up you now feel weighted down by the story of your past and how it will effect your future… to which I might ask, “is it true?”.
Breath into the resistance that comes, see it as a wake up call to get present and move through what is coming up in the moment. There are stories that come up in the moment, you don’t have to go looking for them in your past. It is here and now and in what is happening. All we ever need to confront is what is happening right now.
I have to admit sometimes I wonder what I am doing having an internet based business. It’s hard to do a “launch” and continue putting myself out there so the people I can help can find me. I confessed to my new assistant, Stacey that it would be easy for me to drop the ball on marketing completely (which really is the reason I hired her). I know that I need help to continue moving forward when I get stuck. I know that having systems in place to support you is the only way to really make sure things are being done without the chaos and overwhelm (that goes for systems for your health and wellness too)!
Marketing isn’t easy for me (in fact it makes me want to vomit sometimes, sorry to be graphic) and the thing that moves me forward is that without it, I can’t help more people.
Touching lives keeps me going.
I wanted to do my business online so I could help more people and not just more people, the right people. It’s easier to find your tribe online in many ways. I’ve connected with countless amazing people through facebook and twitter. The rewards are deep but don’t come without coming up against walls.
It’s an evolution and a path we are all on. Each of us sharing our gifts even through the challenges we have. I said to my mastermind at our last meeting “As leaders our struggles are what make us human and it is what we have overcome that make us an inspiration” (my first famous quote, or at least that I can remember .
Thank you for being a part of my community through all of the evolution – yours and mine!
Besides my confession, I also made a big mistake in the s.p..a.m department in an email I sent out the other day which means a HUGE percentage of my list didn’t get the email because it bounced all because I used the word f…r. e* e without periods and * , yes that is why every time you see that word it is dressed up funny. S. p a..m filters just chuck the email back at ya. Boomerang baby.
So here’s the deal. Because it was the email that had the recording of my encore call as well as had announced my bring a friend for F. R…*E. *E offer… and because baby, I want to serve as many people as possible RIGHT now… I’m bringing back the offer this weekend.
There are no good excuses. Grab a buddy, buckle up and take a really fun – powerful – and transformative ride with me through wonderland to create a relationship with your body that you love, feel freedom from your struggle with food and create vibrant health with ease. I promise not to bite, not you anyway. www.bodyfoodandlove.com
Ok, change sucks sometimes right? It feels hard to get where we want to be and sometimes even impossible because our old patterns seem to control us. Skepticism comes in to tell us that it’s not really ever going to work… and optimism can come to say ok, this time I’m doing it right only to feel the disappointment of failure again. If you’ve failed many times on the promises you’ve made to yourself, I’m here to say… congratulations! “One fails forward toward success.” ~Charles F. Kettering
The saddest thing to me is when someone stops trying. That is the only way to truly fail. If there’s that part of you that finds the inspiration to make the New Year Resolution or what ever it is, to create what you really want… to continue the inspiration and belief in yourself is a beautiful thing.
I was in a relationship with an unhealthy dynamic where every time I decided I wanted to make a change I would express my intentions then fell off the wagon and would get criticism that I was “all talk and no action”. Hmmm well, what am I supposed to do… not believe in myself at all?
Well I’m here to say after years of struggling to change… there are still changes I’d like to make that I haven’t AND there are A LOT that I have (including losing nearly 40 pounds). I’m getting better and better at knowing how I work and what I have to do in order to make changes. I’ve gotten a lot of support through the years and have realized that we are meant to be interconnected and not independent warriors on the quest to perfection all on our own. We can learn our strengths and weaknesses and then learn how to work with them and get support where we need it. In my own life, I have realized trying to be good at everything and do everything myself is a waste of my time.
Creating deep and lasting change comes down to this…
- Getting Clear on what you REALLY want.
- Knowing what actions you need to take to get what you want.
- Associating joy and love with those actions. In other words you have to align your mindsets and feelings (how you do something) with the practical actions (what you do).
- Take action (what you do) inspired by love (how you do it).
- Always make your life an exploratory, sensational, inquisitive journey and be present for the ride.
- Surrounding yourself around people who believe in you and support you.
My GIFT for you today is a tool I created for myself that is in my Body, Food and Love program. It is what I call my Daily Divinity (Click Here to download pdf) and it is my “scheduling” tool of sorts. Since organization and schedules are not my talents… I had to dig deeper into my creative and transformational wisdom to design a system that worked for me. It is based on the foundation above which comes down to “what you do and how you do it” which is where success comes from.
Body, Food and Love which is structured in these foundational principles starts THIS MONDAY! Don’t wait, create inspired action now and get support from me all along the path to success. Join Body, Food and Love today!